Well, I recently found out that said friend is now engaged, to this woman. Hear this news via text literally took the wind out of my metaphoric sails. I think in some small way, I thought it was still possible that one day he would wake up and realize how fabulous I am. Now that I know they are engaged, I also know this will never happen. 

My initial bent was to be morose and self-loathing, and I must admit, those feelings would be satisfying in a small, temporary way. However, I know that I have to choose to think positively about all of this, and I know there has to be some silver-lining in this story, that technically has nothing to do with me. These two people, one of whom was a dear  friend of mine who I will ALWAY MISS, are committed to starting a life together. That life has nothing to do with me. What does pertain to me, however, is how I react to the knowledge that a man who I once had strong feelings for, will NEVER, EVER, share those feelings for me. 

So, how do I react, or in other words, how does my story end? 

I am definitely not sure, yet. Some things I do know:

1. God has promised me a husband.

2. God has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. 

3. God has always proven Himself faithful in His word and His action.

4. God isn’t finished with the good work He began in me and in my life. 

5. One day I will better understand all of this.

If there is anything I regret, it is that I can’t personally congratulate my friend. I miss him as my friend more than I thought possible. I wish I could tell him how happy I am for him, and how much joy I pray exists within their marriage. I wish I could tell him I am sorry I didn’t handle my feelings better two years ago, and I genuinely don’t know how we went from inseparable friends, to complete strangers. i wish I could tell him all of the amazing promises God has fulfilled in my life; promises he and I prayed for years ago. But I don’t see how any of these things can happen.

But if by some miracle he does see this, Michael, I want you to know this: I miss you. I am happy for you. And I will never forget how  you taught me how to be a good, consistent friend.  Best of luck to you and your future wife. 

Keep praying for me, friends!

Danni 

I believe I have gotten to a place where I am regressing, and not progressing. I feel I have set up a performance-based living that isn’t working out in any positive way. I am behind in my work, worn out in some aspects of ministry, and I have no clue where the answers or solutions are going to come from. I am not socializing as much as I would like to; I am not happy. I am not joyous, and though I am told by the Word that we can find joy in all seasons, I don’t feel it. I guess I can rejoice in the fact that I recognize something is wrong; that is good! And probably the first step in making changes.

I need help and discernment from God to know what to prune, what to adjust, what to take in. I need to eliminate some pressures and stresses in my life, and I also need to welcome in ways and habits that help when life gets me down. Right now, I have been reverting to just retreating away from society and into my little cubby of the world and feeling sorry for myself. I am done doing that.

Father, help me to get my life to place that is glorifying to you. Burning the candle at both ends isn’t beneficial to anyone. Help me to be more effective, and less exhausted!

It’s odd, I know. In truth, I have socialized and interacted with so many people in the past week! I have been blessed by so many near and dear friends. But for some strange reason, the emotion that keeps peaking up at the end of the day is loneliness. I equate it to a person who just lost a loved on: he or she is surrounded by people for about a week, but when the funeral is over and the dead is buried, they are left completely alone to pick up the pieces and mire forward in their new surroundings. That’s a little bit like how I feel right now.

I own a home now. It’s daunting to think that there is no line of defense between myself and disaster. I own this place, so anything that goes wrong I have to fix. Like the AC that didn’t work last week; I couldn’t call a landlord. I am the landlord! And yes, this is what I prayed for and trusted God for, so it’s not like I unexpectedly got a house (unlike my previous metaphor of losing a loved one; that can usually happen unexpectedly). I asked for this, and yet, my emotions feel fried! As excited as I am about this new adventure, I feel overloaded with negative emotions like fear and anxiety and again, loneliness.

I know and trust these feelings are temporary, and just a result of spiritual attack combined with a major life event. I just needed to get all this out there; sort of vent in the hopes that by confessing it, I am one step closer to getting through it. I know God is my source, and I am never truly alone. I welcome HIM into this house, and ask HIM to keep me company as I adjust to my new surroundings.

Danni

A little over a year ago, I told my male best friends I was in love with him. I had accidentally caught feelings (as if it’s disease) for him, and since he was seriously dating someone at the time, I realized it wasn’t healthy for me to carry on with the friendship. For her. For him. And for me. From that day to this one, our relationship has never been (and will never be) the same. It wont. And it can’t.

I’ve spent this time missing my friend; my heart has literally hurt over the loss of his presence in my life. It was very much like a break up on my end. I resented the fact that he had her to cling to, and didn’t have to spend time mourning my absence. I resented the fact that he “chose” her over me, and often (okay very often) joked that it was because she was skinnier than me, and for no other reason. I hated him for being able to confide in her and enjoy life with her, while I was sitting on my couch some nights crying my eyes out about the void left in my heart. In short, I was angry with the whole situation.

As my heart has had time to heal, I’ve slowly seen changes in the way I look at the outcome of our once-inseparable bond. However, it wasn’t until today that I was actually able to smile at the situation and for the first time EVER, be happy for him. My friend reconnected with a girl he loved from afar in high school. He couldn’t date her because he was in another relationship and she was “just a friend” to him, but she had his heart from day one, I imagine. They reconnected almost ten years later on Facebook, and started dating instantly. Me, as the friend who didn’t get “picked” originally resented this relationship and all that it stood for. I thought they were insane and holding on to feelings that didn’t exist anymore. But today I had a thought.

They’ve been together for over two years now (might even be engaged by now), so there has to be some legitimate connection there. And, more importantly, my friend is happy. He has to be; he isn’t the type to stick around if he isn’t. So, instead of begrudging the whole thing and wishing it was me, today I smiled for a minute and honestly thought, “Good for him! It’s about time he has a woman return the love he is able to give.”

And he may never know I’ve arrived at this juncture; he may not ever need to know. What warms my hear the most is the deep work God is doing inside of me that allowed me to have this thought today. It never would have happened if left to my own devices, I can assure you of this. But God….

So, I am happy for them both. They found each other after all of these years, and they can finally express the love and admiration I am sure they had and hid over ten years ago. What an awesome feeling that must be.

I am not nearly as bold as I should be when it come to my dating life. I have to sadly admit that though I KNOW I should be more actively involved in the process, it would give me great joy if the man who I am supposed to marry just approached me and told me he was the one. I actually have an nice scenario mapped out: I am walking down the pasta isle in the grocery store and I accidentally drop a box of wheat penne. When I go to pick it up, laughing at myself, a gorgeous man is grabs it for me and we smile at each other as we stand up. I laugh. He laughs. We marry six months later.

I am laughing at myself after typing this out: it sounds SO silly. Cute. But SILLY! If I am willing to put so much work and effort into some areas of my life, why don’t I feel the same push to do the same in this one area? I have never had the attitude that I want anything handed to me in life; on the contrary, my parents raised me to understand that I had to work for what I wanted. And other than my own salvation, I believe that there is always work to do in order to achieve anything. So, where is the motivation to do any work in this arena?

I know that I am not meant to pursue a man. As a woman of Christ, I understand that I am meant to be pursued. However; this dude isn’t going to come walking through my door! Shouldn’t I be out and about more? Shouldn’t I be in settings that constitute meeting someone new?

Or am I simply just doing what God has asked me to do? Can I put my mind at ease and just be content for a moment, or am I missing the mark here?

The good thing is that I don’t serve a God of confusion. Even though I feel as bold as a mouse right now, I have a God who is strong and enables me to be courageous. So as I type out some of my dating questions, I know God is already at work giving me guidance and answers. He gave me the desire for a husband. Therefore, he WILL fulfill it!

Until then, I am hopeful.

Danni

I deactivated my Facebook account just before midnight on December 31st, 2010. It started as a 21 days fast and has now lasted for two and half months. I haven’t missed Facebook, completely.

I think that I had gotten to a point where FB had taken up a lot of my free time and my free thought. As soon as I opened my computer, I was on FB looking at statuses and replies to mine. I enjoyed the attention that FB brought me, and that is completely understandable: we humans desire positive attention. I was also looking at engagement, wedding, and baby pictures and I truly felt like the rest of the world was getting all of these amazing blessings that I wanted and I was being left out of the figurative loop. I had unhealthy reactions to healthy things.

So my fast has helped both spiritually and emotionally. I feel more content with my life and surroundings. I feel more in tune with reality as well. The one thing I miss is interacting with people who aren’t in close proximity to me and keeping up on information about events and the like.

So I find myself in a dilemma: return to FB or keep my profile deactivated. I fear getting sucked into the madness again. That isn’t something I want to do, especially when I know I am happy without the page. I also don’t want to be so disconnected with social media that I have an irrational fear of it, or even worse, that I miss opportunities that can only come about through that venue.

So, I am in prayer about my next step. I won’t move too quickly, that is for sure.

Any advice from folks out there reading this? Am I a fool or a revolutionary?

Danni

Think about it. The Master and Creator of the entire Universe (who existed before and will exist after His creation) CHOSE to keep His creation alive. Because God loves you more than you can comprehend, you are not only breathing right now, but when you stop breathing, you have the awesome privilege of living for eternity in His presence. That’s a stupid kind of love.

I mean, honestly. We are wretched individuals: we sin and purposely turn from God on a regular basis (even when we try our best to walk righteously). That’s because our best is never going to come anywhere near His perfection, but yet and still, He love us. Stupid.

I for one am thankful for God’s love! As foolish as it seems that He chooses to love me each day, I embrace that love as best I can because without it, I would be dry bones. And when I think of His love, and how silly it is, I question my own views of love and relationships here on Earth.

This week marks four years of singleness. That means no significant dates, no long relationships, no butterflies. I realized that I had constructed some very air-tight and sturdy walls around my heart over these past four years, and only now that I see they exist can I allow the Holy Spirit to start breaking them down brick by brick. I created these walls because I started believing the lie that love should never make you look foolish or less than perfect. I honestly thought that the only perfect relationship was the one with no drama upfront. Seriously? Every other aspect of life has dramatic elements to it, which don’t necessarily constitute bad experiences. Also, some of the BEST “how we met” stories include flare, excitement, mystery, doubt, and one or both people letting down their walls and chasing after the love they realize they can’t live without. I am talking about real people here, too; not movie plots. Love and relationships require effort and work, but more importantly, they require each person who wants to obtain a lasting relationship to accept the fact that he or she might not look pretty during the process.

I’ve been trying to look pretty.

So, as I pondered these thoughts God reminded me of His love, and how utterly foolish He looks for loving a being that doesn’t even have the capacity to love Him back in the way He deserves. Fortunately, with human relationships, we can find someone who loves us the way we love them. It’s simply going to take some work, and some rethinking.

I am ready to look stupid for love.

On a whim, I decided to go to Jacksonville on Wednesday, and God blessed me while I was there. I got a chance to spend quality time with two very important men, and catching up with them did wonders for my soul. We were able to be transparent about our struggles in life and relationships and glean from one another’s experiences. We shared good food and good laughs, and I remembered why I called these men friends in the first place. Alex and Nate were truly a refreshing reminder of how people can still be counted as important to you, even if they live in a different area code, and even if your communication isn’t as regular as you would like it. I am more than thankful for the short time I got to spend with them, and I am excited to see how God grows each of us as we continue to walk with Him.

I also visited my old co-workers at the school I started teaching at and had student cry when she saw me. In short, I really felt loved in Jacksonville. Which is ironic, to say the least, since I believe I left my heart in that city when I moved away a year and a half ago.

I am going to be very transparent here, since there is no reason for me not to be. I have divulged my genuine thoughts on this page many times, but this time is going to be the most difficult. Intimate matters of the heart are painful to discuss, especially when situations don’t play out like you think they should or could.

My best friend for two years was an awesome gentleman who lives in Jacksonville. He and I formed a great bond, and he truly showed me what a real consistent friend was like. We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed each other’s company very much. At one point, this person was the closest person to me on the planet. We were platonic friends, and I am not very clear as to whether he ever had genuine feelings for me on any higher level than friendship. After moving to Atlanta, I realized that I did have feelings for him, and I have been wrestling with them ever since. I expressed my feelings to him almost a year ago, and as far as I know, he is still with his girlfriend (maybe now fiance). I am not going to lie and say that I am happy about this. I WANT to be happy for him, I genuinely do. But mostly, I identify with feelings of pain, frustration, betrayal, and denial. I also won’t lie and say that I haven’t honestly wished he would call one day and say that he reciprocates my feelings and wants to be with me. Let’s be honest; I think at some point every woman has that fantasy.

But that’s exactly what it is: a fantasy. In truth, I have been waiting around, even when I said I wasn’t. I have been crying useless tears and wishing for a vain fantasy to come true, and I have wasted time. He is not a waste, so please know that is not what I am saying. What is wasted in the time I should have been spending accepting the truth and moving forward with new activities and adventures. There is no day like today to begin.

So when I drove away from Jacksonville, I left with my heart this time. I left feeling revived and energized and ready to take on this season of transition that God has revealed to me. I am almost certain that not one day will go by that I don’t miss my friend. My heart aches at the loss of our friendship, and I don’t know if God will allow that relationship to ever be repaired or healed. I often find myself thinking of something funny and knowing only he will get it, and I want to call him, but I realize I can’t. I can’t open that door because it’s not healthy for me to have unwarranted expectations, and it’s not healthy for him to fear anything he says might lead me on. I miss my friend. I can’t deny that. More importantly, though, I miss ME. I miss the me that socialized and got out! I miss the me that knew movies weren’t reality and sometimes the leading lady doesn’t end up with the guy she thinks is for her. I miss the me that IS me. It’s high time she make a comeback.

So, readers, I introduce you to Danielle. She’s back, and I think it’s safe to say she is here to stay.

So, you’re going to have to wait to hear about how I have officially closed a door in my life, how I was reminded of the many blessings God gave me in different zip codes, and how (more than anything) I am so much in love with Jesus and the God we serve.

There is much more on these and other topics to come. Stay posted!

Danni

Thankful for this reminder today

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