It’s Over…Officially…Again.

Some of you may remember I posted about reluctantly close the door on a friendship that didn’t develop as I had hoped. In short, I did not set up proper boundaries (with myself) between a very close male friend, and I ended imagining  relationship could have existed that definitely did not. I am finding out more and more that this is common with women, when we don’t establish and stick to proper boundaries and standards. 

Well, I recently found out that said friend is now engaged, to this woman. Hear this news via text literally took the wind out of my metaphoric sails. I think in some small way, I thought it was still possible that one day he would wake up and realize how fabulous I am. Now that I know they are engaged, I also know this will never happen. 

 

My initial bent was to be morose and self-loathing, and I must admit, those feelings would be satisfying in a small, temporary way. However, I know that I have to choose to think positively about all of this, and I know there has to be some silver-lining in this story, that technically has nothing to do with me. These two people, one of whom was a dear  friend of mine who I will ALWAY MISS, are committed to starting a life together. That life has nothing to do with me. What does pertain to me, however, is how I react to the knowledge that a man who I once had strong feelings for, will NEVER, EVER, share those feelings for me. 

 

So, how do I react, or in other words, how does my story end? 

 

I am definitely not sure, yet. Some things I do know:

1. God has promised me a husband.

2. God has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. 

3. God has always proven Himself faithful in His word and His action.

4. God isn’t finished with the good work He began in me and in my life. 

5. One day I will better understand all of this.

 

If there is anything I regret, it is that I can’t personally congratulate my friend. I miss him as my friend more than I thought possible. I wish I could tell him how happy I am for him, and how much joy I pray exists within their marriage. I wish I could tell him I am sorry I didn’t handle my feelings better two years ago, and I genuinely don’t know how we went from inseparable friends, to complete strangers. i wish I could tell him all of the amazing promises God has fulfilled in my life; promises he and I prayed for years ago. But I don’t see how any of these things can happen.

But if by some miracle he does see this, Michael, I want you to know this: I miss you. I am happy for you. And I will never forget how  you taught me how to be a good, consistent friend.  Best of luck to you and your future wife. 

 

Keep praying for me, friends!

 

Danni 

Not glorifying God

I have come to realization that I am currently in a season of life that isn’t glorifying to God. I am running myself ragged, making poor choices because of frustration and exhaustion, and spreading myself way too thin. I am overbooked, over working myself, and over it.

I believe I have gotten to a place where I am regressing, and not progressing. I feel I have set up a performance-based living that isn’t working out in any positive way. I am behind in my work, worn out in some aspects of ministry, and I have no clue where the answers or solutions are going to come from. I am not socializing as much as I would like to; I am not happy. I am not joyous, and though I am told by the Word that we can find joy in all seasons, I don’t feel it. I guess I can rejoice in the fact that I recognize something is wrong; that is good! And probably the first step in making changes.

I need help and discernment from God to know what to prune, what to adjust, what to take in. I need to eliminate some pressures and stresses in my life, and I also need to welcome in ways and habits that help when life gets me down. Right now, I have been reverting to just retreating away from society and into my little cubby of the world and feeling sorry for myself. I am done doing that.

Father, help me to get my life to place that is glorifying to you. Burning the candle at both ends isn’t beneficial to anyone. Help me to be more effective, and less exhausted!

Emotional Overload

In the last week I have closed on my first home, gotten food poisoning, moved, and faced a number of homeowner adventures. I have met new people along the way, and old friends have stepped up and truly blessed me with support, help, and love. Through it all, I can’t help but admit I have felt incredibly empty, but mostly, lonely.

It’s odd, I know. In truth, I have socialized and interacted with so many people in the past week! I have been blessed by so many near and dear friends. But for some strange reason, the emotion that keeps peaking up at the end of the day is loneliness. I equate it to a person who just lost a loved on: he or she is surrounded by people for about a week, but when the funeral is over and the dead is buried, they are left completely alone to pick up the pieces and mire forward in their new surroundings. That’s a little bit like how I feel right now.

I own a home now. It’s daunting to think that there is no line of defense between myself and disaster. I own this place, so anything that goes wrong I have to fix. Like the AC that didn’t work last week; I couldn’t call a landlord. I am the landlord! And yes, this is what I prayed for and trusted God for, so it’s not like I unexpectedly got a house (unlike my previous metaphor of losing a loved one; that can usually happen unexpectedly). I asked for this, and yet, my emotions feel fried! As excited as I am about this new adventure, I feel overloaded with negative emotions like fear and anxiety and again, loneliness.

I know and trust these feelings are temporary, and just a result of spiritual attack combined with a major life event. I just needed to get all this out there; sort of vent in the hopes that by confessing it, I am one step closer to getting through it. I know God is my source, and I am never truly alone. I welcome HIM into this house, and ask HIM to keep me company as I adjust to my new surroundings.

Danni

It’s About Time

A little over a year ago, I told my male best friends I was in love with him. I had accidentally caught feelings (as if it’s disease) for him, and since he was seriously dating someone at the time, I realized it wasn’t healthy for me to carry on with the friendship. For her. For him. And for me. From that day to this one, our relationship has never been (and will never be) the same. It wont. And it can’t.

I’ve spent this time missing my friend; my heart has literally hurt over the loss of his presence in my life. It was very much like a break up on my end. I resented the fact that he had her to cling to, and didn’t have to spend time mourning my absence. I resented the fact that he “chose” her over me, and often (okay very often) joked that it was because she was skinnier than me, and for no other reason. I hated him for being able to confide in her and enjoy life with her, while I was sitting on my couch some nights crying my eyes out about the void left in my heart. In short, I was angry with the whole situation.

As my heart has had time to heal, I’ve slowly seen changes in the way I look at the outcome of our once-inseparable bond. However, it wasn’t until today that I was actually able to smile at the situation and for the first time EVER, be happy for him. My friend reconnected with a girl he loved from afar in high school. He couldn’t date her because he was in another relationship and she was “just a friend” to him, but she had his heart from day one, I imagine. They reconnected almost ten years later on Facebook, and started dating instantly. Me, as the friend who didn’t get “picked” originally resented this relationship and all that it stood for. I thought they were insane and holding on to feelings that didn’t exist anymore. But today I had a thought.

They’ve been together for over two years now (might even be engaged by now), so there has to be some legitimate connection there. And, more importantly, my friend is happy. He has to be; he isn’t the type to stick around if he isn’t. So, instead of begrudging the whole thing and wishing it was me, today I smiled for a minute and honestly thought, “Good for him! It’s about time he has a woman return the love he is able to give.”

And he may never know I’ve arrived at this juncture; he may not ever need to know. What warms my hear the most is the deep work God is doing inside of me that allowed me to have this thought today. It never would have happened if left to my own devices, I can assure you of this. But God….

So, I am happy for them both. They found each other after all of these years, and they can finally express the love and admiration I am sure they had and hid over ten years ago. What an awesome feeling that must be.

As Bold as a Mouse

When it comes to my faith, my passions, and my career, I will fight tooth and nail to reach my goals. I work harder than is usually required, brain storming and breaking through walls and buriers each day. I feel very confident in my faith and my career, and in my abilities to be used in positive ways for God’s Kingdom in both arenas. When it comes to dating, I am about as bold as a mouse.

I am not nearly as bold as I should be when it come to my dating life. I have to sadly admit that though I KNOW I should be more actively involved in the process, it would give me great joy if the man who I am supposed to marry just approached me and told me he was the one. I actually have an nice scenario mapped out: I am walking down the pasta isle in the grocery store and I accidentally drop a box of wheat penne. When I go to pick it up, laughing at myself, a gorgeous man is grabs it for me and we smile at each other as we stand up. I laugh. He laughs. We marry six months later.

I am laughing at myself after typing this out: it sounds SO silly. Cute. But SILLY! If I am willing to put so much work and effort into some areas of my life, why don’t I feel the same push to do the same in this one area? I have never had the attitude that I want anything handed to me in life; on the contrary, my parents raised me to understand that I had to work for what I wanted. And other than my own salvation, I believe that there is always work to do in order to achieve anything. So, where is the motivation to do any work in this arena?

I know that I am not meant to pursue a man. As a woman of Christ, I understand that I am meant to be pursued. However; this dude isn’t going to come walking through my door! Shouldn’t I be out and about more? Shouldn’t I be in settings that constitute meeting someone new?

Or am I simply just doing what God has asked me to do? Can I put my mind at ease and just be content for a moment, or am I missing the mark here?

The good thing is that I don’t serve a God of confusion. Even though I feel as bold as a mouse right now, I have a God who is strong and enables me to be courageous. So as I type out some of my dating questions, I know God is already at work giving me guidance and answers. He gave me the desire for a husband. Therefore, he WILL fulfill it!

Until then, I am hopeful.

Danni

I might return to Facebook

I deactivated my Facebook account just before midnight on December 31st, 2010. It started as a 21 days fast and has now lasted for two and half months. I haven’t missed Facebook, completely.

I think that I had gotten to a point where FB had taken up a lot of my free time and my free thought. As soon as I opened my computer, I was on FB looking at statuses and replies to mine. I enjoyed the attention that FB brought me, and that is completely understandable: we humans desire positive attention. I was also looking at engagement, wedding, and baby pictures and I truly felt like the rest of the world was getting all of these amazing blessings that I wanted and I was being left out of the figurative loop. I had unhealthy reactions to healthy things.

So my fast has helped both spiritually and emotionally. I feel more content with my life and surroundings. I feel more in tune with reality as well. The one thing I miss is interacting with people who aren’t in close proximity to me and keeping up on information about events and the like.

So I find myself in a dilemma: return to FB or keep my profile deactivated. I fear getting sucked into the madness again. That isn’t something I want to do, especially when I know I am happy without the page. I also don’t want to be so disconnected with social media that I have an irrational fear of it, or even worse, that I miss opportunities that can only come about through that venue.

So, I am in prayer about my next step. I won’t move too quickly, that is for sure.

Any advice from folks out there reading this? Am I a fool or a revolutionary?

Danni

Love is stupid

…if it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be alive.

Think about it. The Master and Creator of the entire Universe (who existed before and will exist after His creation) CHOSE to keep His creation alive. Because God loves you more than you can comprehend, you are not only breathing right now, but when you stop breathing, you have the awesome privilege of living for eternity in His presence. That’s a stupid kind of love.

I mean, honestly. We are wretched individuals: we sin and purposely turn from God on a regular basis (even when we try our best to walk righteously). That’s because our best is never going to come anywhere near His perfection, but yet and still, He love us. Stupid.

I for one am thankful for God’s love! As foolish as it seems that He chooses to love me each day, I embrace that love as best I can because without it, I would be dry bones. And when I think of His love, and how silly it is, I question my own views of love and relationships here on Earth.

This week marks four years of singleness. That means no significant dates, no long relationships, no butterflies. I realized that I had constructed some very air-tight and sturdy walls around my heart over these past four years, and only now that I see they exist can I allow the Holy Spirit to start breaking them down brick by brick. I created these walls because I started believing the lie that love should never make you look foolish or less than perfect. I honestly thought that the only perfect relationship was the one with no drama upfront. Seriously? Every other aspect of life has dramatic elements to it, which don’t necessarily constitute bad experiences. Also, some of the BEST “how we met” stories include flare, excitement, mystery, doubt, and one or both people letting down their walls and chasing after the love they realize they can’t live without. I am talking about real people here, too; not movie plots. Love and relationships require effort and work, but more importantly, they require each person who wants to obtain a lasting relationship to accept the fact that he or she might not look pretty during the process.

I’ve been trying to look pretty.

So, as I pondered these thoughts God reminded me of His love, and how utterly foolish He looks for loving a being that doesn’t even have the capacity to love Him back in the way He deserves. Fortunately, with human relationships, we can find someone who loves us the way we love them. It’s simply going to take some work, and some rethinking.

I am ready to look stupid for love.

Reluctantly closing the door

If I were to use the word amazing to describe last week, I would truly not be expressing the extent of how great it was. Awesome isn’t enough of an explanation for last week.

On a whim, I decided to go to Jacksonville on Wednesday, and God blessed me while I was there. I got a chance to spend quality time with two very important men, and catching up with them did wonders for my soul. We were able to be transparent about our struggles in life and relationships and glean from one another’s experiences. We shared good food and good laughs, and I remembered why I called these men friends in the first place. Alex and Nate were truly a refreshing reminder of how people can still be counted as important to you, even if they live in a different area code, and even if your communication isn’t as regular as you would like it. I am more than thankful for the short time I got to spend with them, and I am excited to see how God grows each of us as we continue to walk with Him.

I also visited my old co-workers at the school I started teaching at and had student cry when she saw me. In short, I really felt loved in Jacksonville. Which is ironic, to say the least, since I believe I left my heart in that city when I moved away a year and a half ago.

I am going to be very transparent here, since there is no reason for me not to be. I have divulged my genuine thoughts on this page many times, but this time is going to be the most difficult. Intimate matters of the heart are painful to discuss, especially when situations don’t play out like you think they should or could.

My best friend for two years was an awesome gentleman who lives in Jacksonville. He and I formed a great bond, and he truly showed me what a real consistent friend was like. We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed each other’s company very much. At one point, this person was the closest person to me on the planet. We were platonic friends, and I am not very clear as to whether he ever had genuine feelings for me on any higher level than friendship. After moving to Atlanta, I realized that I did have feelings for him, and I have been wrestling with them ever since. I expressed my feelings to him almost a year ago, and as far as I know, he is still with his girlfriend (maybe now fiance). I am not going to lie and say that I am happy about this. I WANT to be happy for him, I genuinely do. But mostly, I identify with feelings of pain, frustration, betrayal, and denial. I also won’t lie and say that I haven’t honestly wished he would call one day and say that he reciprocates my feelings and wants to be with me. Let’s be honest; I think at some point every woman has that fantasy.

But that’s exactly what it is: a fantasy. In truth, I have been waiting around, even when I said I wasn’t. I have been crying useless tears and wishing for a vain fantasy to come true, and I have wasted time. He is not a waste, so please know that is not what I am saying. What is wasted in the time I should have been spending accepting the truth and moving forward with new activities and adventures. There is no day like today to begin.

So when I drove away from Jacksonville, I left with my heart this time. I left feeling revived and energized and ready to take on this season of transition that God has revealed to me. I am almost certain that not one day will go by that I don’t miss my friend. My heart aches at the loss of our friendship, and I don’t know if God will allow that relationship to ever be repaired or healed. I often find myself thinking of something funny and knowing only he will get it, and I want to call him, but I realize I can’t. I can’t open that door because it’s not healthy for me to have unwarranted expectations, and it’s not healthy for him to fear anything he says might lead me on. I miss my friend. I can’t deny that. More importantly, though, I miss ME. I miss the me that socialized and got out! I miss the me that knew movies weren’t reality and sometimes the leading lady doesn’t end up with the guy she thinks is for her. I miss the me that IS me. It’s high time she make a comeback.

So, readers, I introduce you to Danielle. She’s back, and I think it’s safe to say she is here to stay.

WAIT until you hear this!

No seriously; you’re going to have to have to wait. God has revealed SO much to me in the past 24 hours that I am spewing with wisdom and new insight. Why not write it out now? Because I am on vacation in Savannah and fully committed to enjoying the city while I can.

So, you’re going to have to wait to hear about how I have officially closed a door in my life, how I was reminded of the many blessings God gave me in different zip codes, and how (more than anything) I am so much in love with Jesus and the God we serve.

There is much more on these and other topics to come. Stay posted!

Danni

This one too….

Thankful for this reminder today

All rights reserved to www.postsecret.com

This made me smile today

I found this on www.postsecret.com and it made me smile.

Husband, wherever you are, I can’t wait to do this with you

Mission Trip- Guatemala!!

As you know, God has truly been working around the clock to shape and mold me into the woman He created me to be. It’s been three short years since I officially accepted a relationship with Christ, and the Master of the Universe has been busy in my life. I was blessed to go on a mission trip to Costa Rica in 2008 where I met a young student whose education I now sponsor. I also moved to Atlanta in 2009 where I am now teaching at a private Christian school, working on a Masters in Biblical Studies, and serving at an amazingly spirit-filled and gospel- driven church. I am out of breath just thinking about all that God has done in a very short period of time!

I am now being offered another amazing opportunity to travel outside of the United States and minister to people in Guatemala. I have been asked to chaperone the trip with two fellow teachers as we take nine of our students into a life-changing situation. Not only am I honored to have this opportunity, I am also humbled at the thought of getting another chance to travel and serve for God.

In order to go on this mission trip I will need to raise funds and build up a lot of prayer support. It is not just the person who goes ON the trip who is blessed; it is also the people who partner up to help that person along the way, be it through prayer, encouragement, or financial giving. I am asking you to prayerfully consider partnering with me with a one-time financial donation to go abroad. I need to raise a total of $1000.00 by February 14th, 2011. If you decide to make a financial donation, donate to danielletabor@gmail.com using pay-pal services (www.paypal.com)

I believe this trip to Guatemala from March 7th-14th will be an amazing experience for myself and my students. I have high expectations of what I believe God wants to do in and through us!

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever! “

Ephesians 3:20

5:47

I just wanted to write an update to my post from last night, “My Alarm.” I decided to try this whole thing again, and I resolved to actually get some peaceful rest, knowing that I hadn’t set my alarm clock.

God woke me up at 5:47 this morning. Let me be clear, this is NOT a time I usually pop up to use the restroom or turn over (that’s more like 3:32AM).

2 days in a row, He said to me ” I love you, THIS MUCH!”

Truly, how GREAT is our GOD?

My Alarm

Last week was interesting, to say the least. Being cooped up in an apartment alone for an extended period of time isn’t my idea of fun, so when I had a chance to get out and about this weekend, I took it! I went shopping with no agenda, which is such a refreshing activity. Anything I purchased was a mini treasure; a fun surprise that I didn’t plan on. One such treasure was an awesome pair of red heals which were on sale and just my size.

I wore those shoes the very next day to church, and they looked great with my outfit! I would say that the only setback to my adorable Sunday garb was the excruciating pain my feet were in after hour 3 at church. Note to self: wear comfortable shoes to church. ALWAYS.

As much pain as I was in, I still found an excuse to do some browsing around Garden Ridge after service. Again, I didn’t have an agenda at that store; I simply wanted to walk around and see what was available. About twenty minutes into my wandering session, I wanted to scream. I had managed to meander to the back of the store at the moment my feet decided to go on strike, and my escape seemed miles away. As I hobbled up the front of the store, getting closer and closer to freedom, I noticed a large table with discount books. Being the nerd and literary hoarder that I am, I HAD to stop and see if any titles tickled my fancy. The first book I picked up turned out to be a huge blessing from God. For $3.12, I walked limped away from Garden Ridge with a book that has elevated my views of the single life. I read it in less than 24 hours.

The book was written by Patti Gordon (who actually lives in Atlanta now) and is titled Press Play:Taking the Single Life Off Hold. You can see it here.
With her consuming and relatable anecdotes, Ms. Gordon reveals the beauty of being life-long single lady who not only trust God for a husband, but also isn’t waiting around for him. I didn’t have any intentions of finding or reading this book, or anything like it. But God had ( always has) better plans.

As I finished the book last night, the last section stuck with me into the night hours. Patti talked about a friend of hers who, for a month’s time, allowed God to be her alarm clock. Literally. She didn’t set an alarm, even on the night before she was scheduled to take a major test that would reveal her competency after years of studying and hard work. God woke her up everyday. After that conversation with her friend, Patti felt lead to (reluctantly) try this out. She didn’t set an alarm on the night she needed to be up at 4AM to finish an important work deadline. God woke her up at exactly 4AM.

I read her stories about heartache and trusting God, but for some reason this one sticks out the most to me. How often do we say we trust God for all things, but aren’t truly showing it in our daily walk. I am not saying we need to leave our doors open and jump off cliffs, but for me, I find it hard to accept that I actually trust God when the thought of not setting an alarm in hopes of Him waking me up gives me sweaty palms and heart palpitations. Seriously, I don’t have asthma, but I need an inhaler stat!

So, I didn’t feel comfort going to be last night after reading about Patti’s bold and crazy trust in God. I usually set two alarms because I simply don’t trust myself, and I was actually considering leaving both OFF and trusting God to wake me up. As I thought about it, I had to laugh. God is the creator of the Universe, the Master of time and space. He also gave me the job that I was so worried about being late to, and He shows His love for me daily. Why can’t I trust Him with a simple wake up call? As a matter of fact, what better way to wake up than to be greeted by the presence of God?

So I didn’t set my alarm. Well, okay, so I set it, but I shut it off after a minute when I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Though I was just coming off 10 days of reckless staying up late and sleeping in late, and my sleep schedule was all out of whack, I HAD to see I could put my money where my mouth was. And, let’s be honest, I wanted to see if God would too.

So, I tossed and turned with fear, and I am not proud to admit it. Every time I popped up from slumber, I looked at the clock. But you know what, it almost felt like Christmas; like when I actually did wake up in the morning, I was going to be greeted with amazing presence (not presents). I kept smiling in my sleep-waking, and I kept repeating to myself, “The God of the Universe is going to wake me up today!” That is so cheesy to admit, but it’s true. And what do you know, at 5:48AM, my precious cat Simba- who makes a bed at my feet each night- bit my toe. This cat hasn’t bit me in the two years I’ve had him. He’s loving, friendly, and always lays at my feet, so any jerking or frantic movement doesn’t bother him. So after all that tossing and turning, that clock watching, the God of the Universe used my cat to wake me up this morning. On top of that, He did so at a time that allowed me a to comfortably get ready for work without stressfully running out of the door with half of my clothes on (normal routine if I wake up with an alarm clock).

So, I won’t say I passed this test perfectly. I won’t even say I feel comfortable doing this again tonight. I will say this, though: The God of the Universe woke me up this morning, He was my alarm. And if I am going to be honest, it felt and feels amazing to think that in all the world, He chose to be with me at 5:48 this morning, simply to say “I love you, THIS MUCH.”

That’s an alarm I could get used to….

You are ____er than you thought….

In November, I realized that if I wanted to accomplish one of my life goals, I would have to literally get started. I signed up to run my very first race, a 5K, and I completed that race on January 1st of this new year. I didn’t run the whole length of the race, as I mentioned in my previous post about the race, but I did finish within an awesome time. Tonight, I am signing up to do my second race on February 12th, and my current goal for that one is to run the whole time.

As much as I want to accomplish this small task (small in comparison to the major goal which is running a whole marathon within the next 2.8 years) I mentally can’t wrap my mind around being able to physically accomplish this task. Even today, when faced with the task of running 25 minutes straight without stopping, I hesitated to get off of the couch and onto the treadmill because 25 minutes is a long time when you’re a new runner. I set out to run as long as I could without stopping, allowing myself a 1-2 minutes break somewhere within the workout. I was wrong about what I thought I could accomplish. I ran the full 25 minutes without stopping.

I think I often do this: I assume I am not strong enough, smart enough, brave enough, to accomplish certain things. I set smaller goals that my mind can actually wrap around, but I have to be honest, I am just trying to avoid disappointment or rejection. I’m done with that madness. Seriously.

If I trust in and believe in a God who is greater than my wildest imagination can fathom, I can also trust in and believe in the power that resides within me because of that Great and Awesome God. I am stronger than I thought, and it has nothing to do with my own physical abilities, and everything to do with the abilities and talents He put inside of me. Let’s be honest, if you know me, you can tell I don’t look like a “runner”, and as much as my physical size is a work in progress, it’s also a reminder to me that what the physical eye sees isn’t always the truth!! How awesome is God?

So, tonight served as a nice reminder that getting in my own way doesn’t make the mountains I have to climb any smaller; it simply postpones the inevitable journey up.

What mountain are you afraid to climb? What issue are you avoiding? What goal do you think you can’t accomplish?

Trust in HIM; you are _____er than you thought….

Played this game before….

Have you ever found yourself in a life situation that seems to simply be a repeat of a previous one? I like to think of these events as failed tests; ones in which I keep repeating because I didn’t get it right the first time ten times.

In my walk with Christ, I am learning that each and every time I face a situation in life, be it a difficult decision of what food to eat or what man to date, I have complete control over what decision I make. You have control of what you do, and you don’t have to make the same mistakes you made in the past. Know this: you can consciously decide to make a better choice this time, and stand firm on that decision. You control the situation; it’s not the other way around.

Genesis 3:21

I was talking to some my friends the other day reading the Bible in a year. I expressed my failed attempts in the past, and also my annoyance with re-reading through Genesis again! I mean seriously, how many times have I read that one book and failed to even touch some of the others? I want to read the Bible in a year, but can I skip the books I have already studied?

It’s not that I don’t understand the importance of God’s word, nor do I negate the fact that new revelation comes with every reading; I simply want to accomplish this task and I fear that if I spend time reading that which I have already read, I won’t have steam to read the new books. Sounds really silly when I type it out, but that was my faulty logic when I was discussing these things with some friends the other day. Regardless of any fear or hesitation I had, I signed up for the Bible in a Year and God blew me out of the water on day one.

No matter how many times I have read Genesis, I am convinced I have never seen or registered the following verse:

Genesis 3:21- Also for Adam and his wife the LORD God made tunics of skin, and clothed them. (NKJV)

We should all know the pretext of this scripture: it’s after Eve and Adam eat of the forbidden fruit and are punished for their actions. As they are about to be taken out of Eden, the author of Genesis slips in this verse and it speaks volumes about the LOVE, I mean PURE LOVE, that God has for His creation. He clothed them. Even after they did what He told them not to do; after they chose a path He hadn’t planned for them, which lead them to comprehend and feel shame for their nakedness. HE STILL CLOTHED THEM. God made clothes for the beings He planned to be naked, and put them on their beautiful hand-made bodies, and in doing so He shows a love that I can’t understand.

Imagine how heartbroken God must have been to see that the one creation He made to resemble His image had chosen a path that was apart from Him. How sad to think that His plans for Adam and Eve (and all of us) were to walk intimately with Him, and He gave them everything He could offer, except the fruit from one tree. They chose that tree, and a life apart from God. But even after that chose, HE STILL CLOTHED THEM. This small action, to me, is the first step toward the Cross. In covering Adam and Eve with clothes, God is setting us all up to be covered and cloaked in the BLOOD of Jesus.

He still loves me, even when I do what He told me not to do. He has clothes ready to place on my body, and THAT love is so wild, I can’t believe I get to experience it everyday.

It’s not about avoiding pain

First of all, Happy New Year to all of my readers! I pray that you began 2011 with loved ones surrounding you, even if it was simply your pets.

As for me, I started 2011 by achieving one of my 100 life goals; I completed a 5K race. I combined running and walking to finish the 3.1 course, and I have to be honest with myself and with you: I am excited! I know I didn’t finish in record time, I know that I walked more than I ran, I know that my body aches, and that I have a long way to go before I reach my goal of running a marathon before the age of 30. However, I also know that simply showing up and completing the course was a huge accomplishment for me.

I have always been overweight, and in 2008 I dropped 80 pounds, some of which I gained back. Even after losing that amount, I was (and still am) overweight for my height. I come from a family of big people, who happen to be big eaters as well. But regardless of my genealogy and build, I did something I didn’t think I had the courage to do today, and I honestly think this is the start of something.

As I was run/walking the course today, I was passed up by people who were older than me, younger than me, heavier than me, and much skinnier than me. My flesh wanted to feel sorry, and get irritated at the fact that at 27 I couldn’t keep up with an 80 year old woman. But you know what? She was running a race that was all hers, and I was running one that was mine. The whole concept of running MY race really dawned on me today when I was literally doing it: I couldn’t do what others were doing because I simply wasn’t supposed to! I was supposed to show up today and run Danielle’s race (in the pouring down rain, might I add) and that’s exactly what I did. I admire the people who lapped me, and who finished in less time than it takes me to brush my teeth; I really do! My hope is that as I progress and get stronger, I can run (MY OWN RACE) with endurance like them.

And that’s another fun lesson I learned today. As I relaxed on my couch, fully ready to take a nap that has to this hour still not happened, I started looking up marathon training plans and running tips. I slowly became a little deflated when I continually read people’s laments about the pain that comes with running, and after a while my flesh did not like what I was reading. Then a question popped in my head, that makes me smile now: Why do these people still run?

Why? Why put yourself in that painful situation? Why push your body to limits unthinkable for a t-shirt and a trophy? Why spend hours of training and running as your body suffers damage that only be repaired by rest? Why show up? And then God answered my milieu of questions with this intriguing truth:

It’s not about avoiding the pain that comes with life; it’s about finding a way to endure the pain that will inevitably come in life.

I have spent 27 years avoiding pain. Honestly. Think about it. I have avoided a lot of situations because I thought it would enable me to escape pain, but in reality I have just been experiencing a different kind. For example, you don’t go on dates because you don’t want experience rejection. Sound logical? However, you end up feeling the pain of loneliness and unmet desire. Trading one for the other….

So, as I push my body past physical limits this year (Atlanta Marathon in October!!!), I am encouraged to also push my heart a little further as well. I don’t want to fool myself anymore; I am holding out, and in essence that’s not symbolic of trusting God. It’s time to stop avoiding pain, and find out how to run with endurance in all areas of my life.

I Made the Wrong Choice

In an effort to please my family this holiday season, I made a decision in favor of them. The down side? I am unhappy.
This is typically not the biggest ordeal in the world, but my lack of happiness stems from being out of alignment with God, and that is not something anyone should enjoy.

I chose to make my family happy. Bad idea? Not on the surface, but spiritually speaking, the decision sets me apart from God’s will, and that’s the problem. In the process of this situation, God continually tries to teach me how to seek His approval, and not man’s. Even our families will come against us when we make decisions for Christ.

Are you ready for the battle?

I learn more everyday….

The Right Questions

As human being, we all wrestle with a number of life’s difficulties on a daily basis. Some people can’t seem to find the job they want, while other aren’t happy with the house they live in. Of my struggles, the one that is most apparent to me today is the one I feel has been the veritable “thorn in my side” for as long as I can remember: I am believing the wrong things about myself.

Specifically, when it comes to my marital status (which is, and has been SINGLE) I am not looking at this through the appropriate lens. I have unfortunately believed a lot of lies about being single, and about myself, that aren’t helping me pass the tests that God is putting me through. Instead of feeling the way I do sometimes, I want to have constant peace and joy with this stage of my life. Because the fact of the matter is, the problem isn’t that I am single, the problem is that I am believing the wrong things about being single, and that internally, something is a miss.

So, I need to have some tough conversations with God that I have probably been avoiding. I need to stand before Him and get answers, but I’ve simply been asking the wrong questions. So, I need to know what the right questions are, so I can get the right answers. And no one on can tell me what those questions are, because God is the one who has to lay them on my heart.

I look forward to the time when I am out of this season of my life and can find happiness in that I survived it. Until then, I need to go put my protective gear on, because I am about to enter a battle, against myself.

Danni